A Day in Central
by Yuniz
Summary: Ed & Al go to Central and meet up with the military in this crack filled adventure. Events occur after Chapter 108.
1. Al Is Compromised

AN: Spoilers for Chap. 108 ahead...you are sufficiently warned.

* * *

It was a beautiful morning in Central. Birds were chirping and the flowers were practically dancing in delight, yet there was still a quiet lull that covered the city. In short, it was the perfect start to a perfect day.

That is, until Edward Elric raced down the sidewalk, immediately changing the outcome of today's events.

"AL~~~!" He shrieked, knocking down a couple children. "HURRY UP~!"

Alphonse nearly wrung his hands in despair. "Brother, look at all the chaos you're causing!"

Ed simply let out a manical laugh and continued to wreak havoc.

"Brother!" Al yelled one last time in an attempt to get the attention of Ed. However, his attempt was futile, for Al is a weak male who is powerless to defend himself. OF COURSE he cries himself to sleep every night. OF COURSE fireflies electrocute him just because they can. And, naturally, OF COURSE he gets pushed around every day by people ten times weaker than himself.

...of course.

Meanwhile, Ed was off to the military office. He planned to cause chaos and wreak havoc, and no one could stop him.

"BELIEVE IT!" He let out his battle cry and sprinted down the sidewalk, ready to annoy Roy until the end of time.

* * *

"Mustang!" Riza's sharp tone rang through the Brigadier General's ears. He covered them and whimpered to himself.

"Yes ma'am?"

"Is the paperwork complete?"

"But there's a lot of paperwork," Roy said doubtfully.

Steam began to come out of Riza's ears. "SO IS ALL THE PAPERWORK DONE?"

Everyone in the office watched as Roy was mercilessly beaten to a pulp by Riza's gun. A telephone rang but no one answered it.

"...no..." Roy began to bawl as the others tried their best to ignore him.

Riza looked at him in disgust. "I thought you had balls," She tucked away her gun and went off to take Black Hayate for a walk.

Roy was a helpless onlooker, watching as the love of his life took her willing steps away from him. "...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!"

* * *

"This is ridiculous!" Ed said angrily, kicking the telephone booth. "They didn't even answer my phone call, my warning as to their ultimate downfall. Well, they want a surprise, THEY'LL GET A SURPRISE!"

By now, Al had caught up to Ed, but he hadn't listened to his brother's little rant. Girls were fawning over him and he was accepting their compliments graciously.

"Why yes, I do wear cologne-no, that singer is ugly-I'm sorry, dear, my innocence must not be compromised by the likes of you-"

"AL!" Ed yelled at his brother. "Stop your manwhoring and get over here!"

Al looked at the girls, who had instantly began to cry. "Darlings, don't worry, I'll be back soon," He turned his back and took one step away from them. However, as he did so, one girl leapt out from the crowd and managed to force Al's right shoe off his foot. The others caught on quickly, and they all began to pull at Al's clothes, much to his dismay.

"I got his sock!"

"I got his sweater!"

"I got his tie!"

"...AAAAAAAAHH~! ARUFONSEE-KEWN IZ CHOKING!"

Sure enough, Al's face had turned blue and he was desperately grasping at his neck, which was straining under the fangirl's pull on his tie.

"...oops," She let go, and Al felt better, though still a little rattled. But, the fangirls resumed their activity tenfold, and not before long Al had no clothes on at all.

"...OMG SO HAWT~!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH~!" screamed Al, running away from them and not looking where he was going, which turned out to be a big mistake on his part. He felt himself hit something solid and sexy.

"Al?" asked Scar, aka Sexy Hobo.

The boy could only look up in fear and admiration at the great man.

"Al, didn't I tell you-" Ed had joined them, and was now taking in the greatness of the sexy hobo.

Scar looked down at them. They looked up at him. He sighed. Obviously these little ones wanted something from him. Well, if they wanted something, they'd get something.

He bent his knees and brought his hands to the concrete pavement. The Elrics watched, amazed as Scar used his alchemy arms to construct...little figurines?

"Here you go," He gave Ed and Al each a little model of himself, standing stotically. Immediately, the brothers began to squeal. "Little ones, I must be on my way,"

Immediately, Ed and AL stopped squealing.

"Don't leave us, Scar!"

"We love you, Scar!"

"What will we do without you?"

Scar cracked his knuckles in a manly fashion. "Little ones, you must live on and continue my legacy, and in that way I will always live on...within your hearts,"

The Elrics let out a sigh as they watched Scar walk away from them.

Ed stared at his sexy hobo figurine for a little while longer before putting it away in his pocket. "C'mon Al, we've still got to wreak havoc with the military,"

"Oh, right," Wondering to himself how Ed had managed to sucker him into his demonic plans, Al followed his brother.

* * *

Havoc, Falman, Fuery, and Breda were standing right outside the men's bathroom, listening to Roy's sobs.

"Should we help him?" asked Havoc, who was barely standing by the help of Falman and Fuery.

"Nah," said Fuery, adjusting his grip on Havoc's armpit.

As the men exercised their sadism, there was the sound of footsteps coming down the hallway. They looked and saw Ed and Al, who were busy wreaking havoc.

"Hey!" Breda yelled, waving them over. "Long time no see,"

The brothers walked over to them. "Hi," said Al.

Falman narrowed his eyes even more than they were already narrowed. "Al, you're naked,"

Al looked down at himself, and suddenly had a flashback of the fangirl incident. "Holy crap!" He cried out, trying to shield himself as best as possible while the others laughed.

Ed peered at the bathroom door suspiciously. "Is the Colonel crying?"

"Mustang's a Brigadier General now," said Fuery.

The now-not-so-short one rolled his eyes. "Why's he crying?"

The military officers shrugged.

"Well then," There was an evil glint in Ed's golden eyes. "I think...it is my time to intervene," He pushed open the door and walked in, ready to laugh at Mustang until he cried himself blind.


	2. Ed Confronts Mustang

Ed threw the bathroom door wide open. He slowly advanced onto Roy, enjoying the clomping noise of his platform boots.

The Brigadier General gave Ed a look. "Will you ever get over your height, Fullmetal?"

"Will you ever get over your gayness, Bastard Colonel?" spat Ed. He didn't like the way the beginning of this conversation had started.

Roy looked at the faucet as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. "Hawkeye...well, she rejected me,"

Ed stared at him, surprised. He didn't know they were like that. Friends with benefits, maybe, but lovers? Such a possibility dwelled in the realm of impossibility. "You liked the Lieutenant?"

"...liked?" said Roy as manly tears began to stream down his reddened cheeks. "I LOVED HER TO PIECES, DAMMIT!" His manly sobs echoed through the bathroom. Manly thumb sucking followed throughout the manly convulsions he engaged in during the whole manly ordeal.

"I wonder where Al is," Ed mused, watching Mustang bawl like a baby.

* * *

Meanwhile, Al had wandered off and was now lost in the labyrinth that was Central HQ.

"HELP!" He screamed to no one in particular. Immediately, the fangirls were at his side.

"ZOMFG! HE'S NAKED!" exclaimed the fangirls. They began to lust over Al while touching him in inappropriate places.

Instantaneously, Al remembered his Super Awesome Totally Not Gay Alchemist Powers. He grabbed one of the fangirls and transmuted her clothes into a size and style that suited him. Then, using some martial arts, he roundhouse kicked all the fangirls to the insane asylum that they had all come from.

It was done. The fangirls had been defeated. Every single one was gone, every fangirl that ever existed for any fandom. No longer would they terrorize the face of the planet. Al began to sob in manly joy. Perhaps they would give him a trophy or such as an award of valor.

Suddenly, Al realized that he was still hopelessly lost.

"HELP!" He screamed again.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the men's bathroom, Roy was still crying and to be honest, Ed was getting slightly irritated. Manly men were not supposed to cry. What was the meaning of this blasphemy? He had always thought that Mustang was a rather manly man, save for his gayness. After all, the ex-Colonel had endured the death of his teacher, gone insane on two Homunculi, and had epically pwned a horde of doll soldiers. Not everybody could do so much in a single lifetime.

Roy sniffled a little more. "Will you...tell Hawkeye about my feelings for her?"

"No," said Ed flatly. "If you want something done, you have to do it yourself,"

"But my subordinates always did my paperwork for me,"

Ed rolled his eyes. "Oh really,"

"Well, not today," Tears welled up in Roy's eyes as he realized what he had said and how it had connected to the previous events involving himself and Riza Hawkeye. His shoulders trembled, yet he managed to suppress the urge to bawl.

"Yes, go ahead and bawl," mocked Ed, using his steel heart in a negative way. "Go ahead and cry your little black eyes out. I'm sure the Lieutenant loves men that cry over trivial things,"

"THIS ISN'T TRIVIAL!" cried Roy, bursting into uncontrollable sobs. "THIS RELATIONSHIP IS A SERIOUS THING!"

Watching the blubbering man, Ed realized that he was the only one who could help this poor helpless soul. Not Madame Christmas, Fuhrer Grumman, one of Roy's henchmen, or one of Roy's girlfriends. None of them could pull Roy out of his desperation, and even if they could, they wouldn't want to.

On the other hand, Edward Elric was a shining bastion of compassion and kindness. He was a symbol to the masses, a fighter for the meek, and a man determined to work for the greater good. He was the main character of an award winning manga and anime. He had stolen the hearts of several fanboys and many dead fangirls. Surely he could help a person in need...surely he could!

Or not.

"I'm hungry," He walked out of the restroom, leaving Mustang sobbing. Breda, Falman, Fuery, and Havoc watched Ed leave, curious as to what had happened.

"Should we help Mustang?"

"Nah,"

* * *

By now, Ed had left Central HQ, and was on his way to a restaurant to eat food. It was high noon, and the ex-alchemist rather wanted a meal to sate his growling stomach.

He arrived at a bistro called FLEUR A LA MORT and walked into it. Everyone around him was eating and talking. Ed took a sweeping glance at all the dishes set out. The pickings looked promising.

"Can I help you?" A waitress walked up to him.

"Yeah. I wanna eat," Ed got straight to the point.

The waitress giggled to herself. This strange man was so...strange! Her last boyfriend had heavily abused her, and she had been forced to file a restraining order against him. But this guy looked kind. He looked like a caring man. More importantly, he looked hot.

"...hello, can I have a menu or something?"

"Oh, of course," She giggled some more and gave him her bra. Ed stared at the piece of lingerie, dumbfounded.

"This isn't a menu,"

She laughed. "Oh, you're right! Silly me," She took back her bra and put it on, then handing Ed the actual menu. "You can sit down right here and wait,"

"Um...okay," Ed sat down. He continued to look around the place. There weren't that many familiar faces, unless...

"HAWKEYE?"

"...Fullmetal?"

Sure enough, it was Riza Hawkeye, sitting at a table with Black Hayate. The canine barked in joy.

"What are you doing here?"

"Black Hayate recommended this place to me so I thought I might as well check it out,"

"...Black Hayate?"

Riza calmly folded her hands on the table. "So, Ed, what brings you here?"

"I was hungry, and I still am,"

"That's unfortunate," Riza motioned for Ed to come over to her table, and he did so. "Have you ever been to this place before?"

"I have!"

Ed, Riza, and Black Hayate turned their heads to the ceiling. Hanging from the rafter were none other than Ling Yao and Lan Fan. The two Xingese dropped down silently and seated themselves at the table.

"The food here is really good," continued Ling. "I eat here whenever I'm in Central,"

"I bet the fact that you don't pay for it makes it more tastier," scoffed Ed.

"Actually, it does, I tested it once,"

Lan Fan was helping herself to a plate of steak and mashed potatoes that had appeared out of nowhere. "Young master, please refrain from sharing your methods,"

Ling just laughed. "Methods, schmethods,"

The same waitress arrived at Ed's previous table. Seeing that Ed was not there, her eyes bugged out in shock. "Hot guy! Where are you?" Ed did not respond.

Slightly desperate now, she scanned the bistro interior until she found the one and only Fullmetal right behind her. "There you are!" But then she saw Riza, Black Hayate, and the Xingese. Rage began to build up in her.

"Oh no," said Lan Fan, putting on her mask.

* * *

AN: Why is the waitress jealous of Ed? Will Roy ever have Riza as his bride? Do they really serve steak and mashed potatoes at bistros? Is Al still hopelessly lost? All these questions (and more) will be answered in the next chapter.


	3. The Brothers Eat

1. You will find that out in the following passage.

2. Yes. It will just require a lot of work on his part.

3. They do now.

4. Yes :)

* * *

"...ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME~?" shrieked the waitress as if she were demon spawn. All the furniture in the bistro shook violently. The other patrons watched them curiously.

"Eh?" grunted Ed.

The waitress seethed in anger. So. This was the way it had to be. Her new boyfriend of thirty seconds had just cheated on her with an older woman, a foreign girl, a foreign boy, and a dog. Well, if he wanted to play hardball, he'd get hardball.

"Come with me," Ed was forcefully pulled to a dark corner of the eating establishment. "Now tell me - how can you bear to play with a woman's emotions like that?"

"Huh?"

"...YOU CHEATED ON ME! YOU HAD YOUR OWN HAREM ALL THIS TIME!"

Ed looked confused. "Mustang is the one with a harem, not me,"

Slowly, the information sank into her. "ROY MUSTANG?" She threw down Ed and ran off in search of the two timing man.

"Very quick thinking," Riza commended Ed as he rejoined them at the table.

"Thanks," replied Ed, picking up the menu and perusing it.

A passing waiter did a double take at Lan Fan's meal. "Hey, we don't serve steak and mashed potatoes here,"

"You do now," In a flash, Lan Fan had a knife at the waiter's throat. "Beg for mercy,"

Everyone watched as the poor passing waiter was reduced to tears during his entire monologue praising Lan Fan.

"Good," Lan Fan tucked away her weapon and resumed eating. The waiter quickly ran away.

"I' m proud of you," Ling held his hand up in expectation of a high five. Lan Fan put her hand up and hit his with so much force that blood began leaking from several of Ling's pressure points. "That's my girl!" He laughed, massaging his red hand.

Watching Ling and Lan Fan's exchange, Ed remembered about Roy's plea. "Hey Lieutenant, did you know that the bastard colonel has a thing for you?"

"Mustang is a Brigadier General now," said Riza, sipping at a cup of tea. "And he's never said anything of that nature directly to me so I wouldn't know,"

"Hn," grunted Ed, watching Ling and Lan Fan spar. A different waitress came by and took his order. It took a good thirty minutes before his foot high sandwich arrived.

"Thirty minutes," He scoffed, opening his mouth wider than was polite and taking a bite of bread as all the food inside shot out the other end. "I could have spent that thirty minutes learning more about alchemy, or terrorizing the bastard colonel, or having sex with Winry, but NOOO~, I had to wait in a dumb little bistro for a dumb sandwich that doesn't even meet my standards,"

Black Hayate had been sitting across from Ed, and so when Ed had chomped down on his sandwich, all the food had flown onto his face. All the ham, beef, lettuce, tomato, pickle, mayonaise, ketchup, mustard, tartar sauce, and cheese was on the dog. He whimpered and shook it off.

Ed glared at Black Hayate. "Bad dog," He finished eating the bread and threw down more money than was necessary for the bill. "I gotta go, see you later Lieutenant,"

Riza offered up a goodbye wave as the Xingese finished their sparring and returned to the table. Ling's eyes lit up as the extra money sparkled at him. "Food!" Within minutes, Ling had ordered every item on the menu, all thanks to Ed and his poor arithmetic.

* * *

During all of this, Al was still lost. It didn't make sense to him - could it really be that hard to get lost in a military building?

Apparently so.

"AL-SAMA~!"

He looked around to see Mei Chan running to him, Xiao Mei on her shoulder. The two of them pounced onto Al with vigor, knocking him to the ground in the process.

"Mei," said Al incredulously, looking around at his surroundings. "Where am I?"

The girl cocked her head to the side. "Did you get amnesia or something? Right now, we're in Xing,"

Al stared at her in shock. He began to scream.

* * *

Ed was walking down the street, taking in the sights and reveling in the chaos that was happening around him.

"AAAH~!" screeched an old woman as she was nearly hit by a car.

"WAAAAAHH~!" cried a young baby that Ed had taken candy from.

"GAH!" spat a man that had drunk salt with coffee instead of sugar with coffee.

It was all very calming to the soul. Ed frowned as he remembered Zolf J. Kimblee, the man who had more or less been the driving force behind the Ishval Extermination all those years ago. He and his little fedora were dead now, but it still scared Ed to realize that he might have some of the other man in himself, what with this enjoyment of chaos.

He didn't want to think about it anymore. Shaking his head in an attempt to shake out the thought, Ed walked back to Central HQ. There was some unresolved business that he had to take care of.

By the way, where was Al? Ed shrugged it off. Al was a big boy, and a strong one too, both mentally and physically. He could take care of himself.

* * *

"Calm down!" Mei told Al while he was hyperventilating. "Xing isn't a bad country, and even if you don't like it I can arrange for someone to take you to Amestris,"

Al's breathing finally slowed. "How...?"

Mei sidled closer to Al in an attempt to try and hear him better.

"How...did I get from Central HQ to Xing?"

"Huh?" Mei became confused.

"I clearly remember being in Central this morning with my brother," Al scratched his head in confusion. "It doesn't make sense,"

"You..." The gears in Mei's head began to turn. "You made it from Amestris to Xing in a couple hours?"

The totally weak, defenseless, and helpless boy laid his head on Mei's shoulder. "Either way, I'm hungry. Got milk?"

"Well...yes," Mei reached behind her back and pulled out a struggling Hiromu Arakawa. "Milk the cow," Al eagerly complied.

"That hits the spot," Al finished his ninth glass of milk, and Mei put away the cow. "But I'm still lost,"

"Don't worry," said Mei, taking his hand. "You will never be lost down the path of life as long as you are with me,"

Al looked at their intertwining hands, realizing that Mei had just said something deep and philosophical. He had no idea how to reply.

"Um," was the first thing out of his mouth. "Well, ah, do you like dead baby jokes?"

Xiao Mei kicked Al in the balls. He let out a roar of rage and groped around blindly for the panda.

The girl giggled to herself.

* * *

Now back at Central HQ, Ed was aimlessly wandering the halls. He had forgotten his initial objective. It was something important, he knew at least that, but the details of his mission were completely gone from his mind.

"Well, if it isn't the short alchemist,"

Ed's ears perked up. He looked around for the source of the voice. "Who is it?"

A figure clad in white slowly stepped out of the shadows and offered up a sinister grin. He removed his fedora for dramatic effect. "You remember who I am," With a final flourish, Ed's stalker was revealed to be the one and only Zolf J. Kimblee.

* * *

AN: We shall find out together why Kimblee is alive & what he wants with Ed.


End file.
